The Influence Game

By Robert Middleton - Action Plan Marketing

Imagine this scenario:

You've been chasing a prospect for two weeks. You've already met with him and it looks like you're going to get the deal, but then he stops returning your calls.

You freak out.

Your mind tells you that he's no longer interested, he doesn't care, he's a jerk - you know the drill.

You thought you were good at influencing but now you feel impotent, unable to even get a response. You think of all the times you couldn't get through or make an appointment or close a deal and you start to feel like a loser.

Dear Abby: "What do I do now?"

Then Abby gives you some advice:

"Call at different times, send a series of emails, talk to a subordinate or perhaps his boss. Be patient. And above all, don't sound desperate as that will only make things worse."

OK, you try all that. But still nothing. No return call.

You probably think I'm going to give you the "magic silver bullet follow-up technique," don't you?

Well, it does work like magic, but it won't be what you expect.

The Influence Game

If you really think about it, marketing is ALL about influence. Trying to get attention is influence. Getting an appointment is influence. Closing the deal is influence. Getting your clients to take your advice is influence.

Influence is getting others to do what you want them to do.

And when we fail to influence, we feel powerless. We get upset, withdraw and often give up. It's just too hard, too painful. And marketing starts to look like a bad idea. So we go back to our default plan: "I'll do the best job I can with my current clients and hope they send me some referrals."

Another way is to attack with the "blame game."

Ever notice that the blame game does nothing to increase your ability to influence? If anything, it makes it worse. Just try leaving a message on your prospect's voice mail that goes, "You g&*%#@%n son of a b*%&h, why don't you return my f#%&ing calls! I want to work with you, you a%%$&#e!" 

See how far that gets you!

When we fail to influence, why is it so upsetting? Why all this frustration and anger? Here's the easiest way to answer that:

"What would you have to believe to feel that way?"

Beliefs (usually unexamined ones), are the foundation of everything we feel. So when we examine those beliefs, we can finally see what's really going on.

You might answer:

"I believe people should be considerate and that they should have the decency to get back to me. When they don't, I feel they are disrespecting me and rejecting me and hurting me intentionally."

Something like that. Pretty reasonable, right?

So let's examine that. Is that true? Can you absolutely know that this is true? People should be considerate. Is that true? People are disrespecting me and rejecting me. Is that true?

By the way, very few people ask this question when they're upset. After all, it's much easier to withdraw or blame.

But is it true?

Is it really, absolutely true that they should act the way you want them to act? If you have even an ounce of honesty you've got to admit that it's not true. It's about as ludicrous as expecting a fish to be hairy or a dog to have fins.

People act they way they act. That's the way it is.

But when you really believe they should do something and they don't, you're upset, you get frustrated, impatient and angry. You become the proverbial pain in the butt. Don't you?

What if you couldn't think that anymore? I mean, now that you know it's nonsense, what would you do instead? Now that you understand that the idea, "They should do this my way," is a fantasy, what might you think instead? What could you do? Who would you be?

You might think a lot of things that aren't upsetting at all:

"They might be out of town. They're probably ridiculously busy right now and my project just isn't their biggest priority. Maybe the project won't happen; after all, not every deal goes through. Perhaps I should look more closely at my proposal; maybe I missed something important. Come to think of it, they might not be an ideal client after all. I have some other prospects in my pipeline that I should start to pursue."

Now you're thinking sanely.

And here's the punch line:

If you're thinking sanely, you have a much better chance of influencing someone. Then you can deal with reality: "They are not returning my call." You can't impact a fantasy: "They should return my call."

Small difference, but whole new possibilities open up.

Will you get the client? Will they get back to you?

How do I know? Maybe yes, maybe no. But now you don't have to take all of this so personally and let it upset you. Instead of disasterizing about failure, you can start to work on your next strategy. Instead of withdrawing or blaming, you can start creating again.

It's your move. Are you ready to play the Influence Game?

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More Clients Bottom Line: Influence starts by accepting the situation just as it is, not resisting it or blaming others. Influence is about communicating with understanding, with compassion, with patience. There is no one way that things or people should be. Knowing that, you can more towards getting what you want with a lot less struggle.

Note: Thanks to Byron Katie for the ideas in today's More Clients. 

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Where does a "they should" thought get you upset and stop you from playing the influence game? Please share your answer on the More Clients Blog by clicking on the Comments section below.

Comments

[Dipanker Das]

Very appropriate..

When someone is doing something or is about to do something, in a way we don’t want it to be done and when we are not able to accept it, we become angry.

However, When someone is doing something or is about to do something, in a way we don’t want it to be done - and we are able to accept it- we remain tolerant.

When someone has something which we don’t have, or someone is able to produce the results which we are not able to produce- and we are not able to accept it – we become jealous.

When someone has something which we don’t have, or someone is able to produce the results which we are not able to produce and we are able to accept it we get inspired.

Then emotional equation is quite simple.
Something + Acceptance = Positive Emotion
Something + Non Acceptance = Negative Emotion

So, it is not ‘something’ or ‘someone’ who is making us feel positive or negative, but it is our ‘acceptance’ or ‘non acceptance’ of something or someone, which is making us feel positive or negative.

It isn’t the world but the quality of our response to the world that determines the quality of our emotions. Next time we feel disturbed with a negative emotion, instead of asking who or what is disturbing us, we will examine who or what we are resisting (not accepting) that is causing this disturbance in us. We will replace resistance (non acceptance) with acceptance, and the negative emotion will turn into a positive one.

Emotional management begins by stopping to blame that ‘something’ or ‘someone’ and starting to take the responsibility to respond life with ‘acceptance’.

[joe klenotich]

Common consulting business characteristic--slow or no response; but it's also part of today's high risk climate--doing nothing seems less risky then committing to an outside (we really need to do this but...).
Promised recontacts never happen.

Maybe a little humor..."I know I'm a nag but I gotta eat...I'm trying to hold some time and people available for your project"

Always good in a written proposal to state a time limit on budget--good for 45 days.

[relationshipsellingbuffs]

The "blame game" drives me nuts and what you state really hit home. Influence starts by accepting the situation just as it is, not trying to blame outside influences or whatever on why things aren't working as planned. It takes time, patience and experience and digging deep inside to understand the mindsets of not only our prospects/customers but of ourselves. Your article really brought that to light and it's not something that is touched on often enough. Great advice.

[Carolyn Potts]

It was divine synchronicity to read your blog post today, Robert. I read it only two hours after a session with one of my photography marketing clients who was complaining about his prospects "bad behavior." He was frustrated with the "lack of respect" shown by today's buyers of commercial photography. I knew all too well what he was talking about..

But during my 30-year career a photography rep, I was lucky; I learned early on about the critical marketing mindset of dealing with "what is" – rather than what "should be." It was only through that knowledge that I was ever able to pick myself up, get back on the phone, and re-schedule yet another appointment where the prospective client was a no-show. Getting stood up (without so much as the courtesy of a quick cancellation phone call) really required a powerful mindset-shift for me to have the guts to stay in the game.

What I try to do now is educate my photography marketing clients that ALL successful marketers–especially ones in fields as difficult as today's commercial photography business–share the same fundamental mindset: they fully embrace "What is."...without resistance. Creating marketing strategies based on THAT reality is an EXPONENTIALLY more effective strategy to get business.

Thanks for spreading both your wise words and The Work to so many.

[Robert Middleton]

Since influence is so important in life and in business, it's just as important to know what stops us from being influential as it does knowing how to be influential.

The lack of the ability to influence with integrity can also lead to something else - violence. How influential would some world leaders have been without resorting to violence? Peaceful influence is a lot harder. And you can only have peaceful influence if the person or group you are trying to influence are OK just the way they are - even if you disagree with them.

This might sound simple but it may be one of the hardest lessons humans can learn.

But it's also what we all want. We revere people like Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela because they had a huge influence using peaceful means.

So influence without force or anger is the skill we want to build more than any other. This will give us everything we want and the life of our dreams.

Next week I'll talk about "Influence and Intention."

[Rachel Sheard]

Thanks for a helpful article.

For those of us in the service-industry, this will be worth re-reading when we get a no-show client and begin to encounter the same feelings.